Baby Name Etiquette: When You Hate The Name

At last, the time has come. Your sister has finally decided to share the name she will bestow upon her flesh-and-blood in a few short days with you and your extended family. Eagerly, everyone waits as she spills the beans on the name of her little baby girl. There’s shrieking, congratulating, and complimenting surrounding this chosen name, but you HATE IT. There is no other moniker you would less want to bestow on a human being, and you desperately want to alert your delighted sister of your concern before it’s too late. But should you? Or are you just nitpicking a perfectly fine choice they shouldn’t be pressured to change? This question is one that many have had at one time or another, and it’s a tricky one. However, today, I’m attempting to answer it. Of course, not everyone’s experiences are the same, and I’m completely generalizing this topic. Names are so personal, and so are the relationships and bonds you have with people in your life. So if you have more specific questions, contact me, and I’ll do my best to help.

I think that in some cases, having people warn parents about potentially controversial or just straight up bad names is warranted. However, in most cases, especially when it just comes down to personal preference, it’s a good idea to keep a few things in mind. First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that it takes a long time for some people to find and fall in love with a few names that match their criteria. Therefore, it’s probably going to end poorly if you insult all of their cherished names right before they’re whisked off to the delivery room, so I would suggest caution and time. If you’re thinking about critiquing someone’s baby name choice, you should mention your concern while they still have at least a couple months to carefully ponder alternative solutions if they take your words to heart.

Another thing to keep in mind is that names are very personal, and often a reflection of the parent, not the child. Even when someone gently suggests that a name may not be a great option, a parent-to-be may feel attacked or hurt because a name is such a sensitive and personal choice. Because of this, I would definitely suggest that you proceed with caution when nitpicking someone’s baby name, and try to avoid it, especially when you’re concerned with associations that apply only to you or just plain personal preference. While I’ve already covered some of the basics, I’m going to give a couple more specific scenarios.

When is it ok to tell someone that their baby name is awful?

When the name falls very short for their criteria. If your brother tells you that he wants a very unique and different name, but his shortlist contains the incredibly popular Olivia and Aubrey, he’ll obviously be disappointed when he takes his daughter to school and finds that she’s actually the third Olivia in her class. If they have a couple months or so to find some other names, I would make them aware of the popularity by encouraging them to check popularity charts. When someone specifically wants one quality in a name, it may be a good idea to let them know if one of their names doesn’t meet that.

When the name is that of an iconic tv or book villain. Now, I’m not saying that you have to veto Thomas or Ben or Rowan just because of a movie character. But if they’re considering Voldemort or Hannibal, or some other iconic villain with a name that is particularly distinct, it may be a good idea to bring up a page of references for the name, or ask them to do a quick search of the name. Even the name of a controversial figure like Adolf is worth mentioning to an expectant parent. If they want to continue with the name even after knowing the associations, that may be how it is.

When they ask. If they’re looking for affirmation, of course, now isn’t the time to bring up that Walton sounds like a nerdy name. However, if you have a tight bond with the person, and they ask you for harsh or honest thoughts on a long list as opposed to one name that they’ve chosen, it may be a nice idea for you to point out your favorites, and exclude the names you don’t like as much. On the other hand, if your friend has just announced that her baby is going to be Walton and asks your opinion, it’s better to say something like “it really goes well with his sister’s name” than pick apart a name she’s already chosen, because it’s likely she’s just looking for affirmation.

When isn’t it ok to tell someone you don’t like their baby name?

When your main concern is personal preference. Yes, I know you might think that Farris reminds you either of a ferret or of Ferris Bueller. But clearly, the name doesn’t remind your expecting friend of a ferret if she has chosen it, and the movie may be a favorite of hers. Besides, Ferris doesn’t fall anywhere near the iconic villain category. In the end, when it comes down to things like your own experiences, it’s not worth mentioning. Because this baby’s name isn’t your decision to make, it’s best to stay away from commenting phrases like “It sounds like____” and “Oh, like that mean girl in our class in grade school.” If it’s not your child, and the name doesn’t have abysmal associations that are life-altering, I would steer clear from saying anything.

After the baby is born. Once that birth certificate is signed, the name is a done deal. And while you may have influence on the options before the baby is born, once the baby is born, you should probably disregard any hard feelings towards the name. After giving a baby a name, hearing that Martin is an ugly choice is not ideal, especially after already filling out the paperwork and purchasing the custom onesies. When it’s done, it’s done, and it’s important to respect the choice the parents have made and support your loved one even if you wouldn’t choose the name of their child for your own.

When it’s an honor name. Even if your loved one has multiple options and a few months to think over other names if your concerns really rattle her, that all goes out the window when it comes to honor names. If your sister tells you that her son is going to be Lincoln Randolph, after his grandfather, all style concerns go out the window. The personal significance of the name is much more important than your need to have cutely named nephews, and you don’t want to talk someone out of using something meaningful in exchange for a name you find more socially acceptable.

Obviously, the relationship between you and the expectant parents is a defining variable, and most of this basic guideline varies greatly on the bonds and the names involved in the situation. If you have a more specific issue with this or anything else regarding the topic of naming, make sure to fill out my form underneath the contact tab!

Sincerely,

~Delphina Moon

Do you agree with me? What would you do if you hated the name your friend, sibling, or loved one chose?