There is something incredibly difficult about giving a baby a name. After all, this will be something that stays with them for the rest of their lives. And, at least for me, making difficult decisions with someone else takes that difficulty factor up a billion percent. Working collaboratively with another namer means that you will both likely have to settle for a name neither of you are completely enamored with. Sure, there are the very rare instances where one namer says, “Hey, I’ve always loved the name Payton.” and the other immediately responds with “I love it too! Why don’t we give it to our son?” However, it’s often the case that two namers have fairly different ideas of what makes a good name. Nataly may be passionate about finding a name with a clear spelling, but Jason might want to have his son have a rare name, so that he won’t be answering to his last initial like his father. But whatever your preferences are, you often have to bend them and even discard them completely to reach a decision on a name that both namers are happy with. So today, I’m taking a look at a few ways that parents compromise on a name for their child, and ranking them 1-10 based on effectivity and fairness. There may be another version of this coming, so make sure to look out for it. Now, let's do this!
You pick the middle, I’ll pick the first.
Pros: Some parents know that it’s very hard for them to make a concise decision about a name together. And there happen to be a first name and a middle name, or names, slot on a birth certificate. So what do they do? They split up the work. One parent gets to pick their favorite name for the baby’s first, and the other gets the honor of choosing the middle name. And you end up with a seamlessly created combo, with a little variation in style that makes it seem balanced and cool. If one parent wants a modern surname name and the other desires a name perfect for Nigerian parents, then Gibson Ayomiposi gives both parents the opportunity to use their favorite name in one go.
Cons: The name one uses most is always the first name. Unless you’re planning on calling the child by their middle name, both parents will obviously want to claim the first spot, giving one parent a significant advantage over the other, which may put even more conflict between the namers. Also, it’s difficult for both parties to be content with this method of decision-making for baby names. The parent who chose Ayomiposi will be disappointed that everyone calls his son Gibson, a name he had no say in, while the parent who chose Gibson will be dissatisfied that they had no say in the middle name of their child. Because both sides have no say in one spot of the name, there’s bound to be dissatisfaction and even disgust with a portion of the child’s name, which I think is less than ideal, especially since the choice is so permanent.
Rating: 2/10. I totally understand the appeal of wanting to make your decision alone. In fact, I would be tempted to use this method because I enjoy working alone so much. And yet to have angry and resentful feelings about a part of your child’s name for the rest of your life because you gave up power over one part to work alone on another is an awful feeling to have. Not to mention the unavoidable conflict of who gets the first name.
One Lister, One Vetoer
Pros: This is a very common dynamic that namers find themselves in, usually unintentionally. One parent comes up with names, and the other says yes or no. This allows both parents to be an integral part of the naming process, and may help new names come to light. By trying to reach a compromise, parents using this technique can find a name that they both are pleased with. Even if they don’t reach a name that is their absolute favorite, this technique still proves to involve both parents, asking opinions from one that may not be as name-savvy, and allowing the more name-obsessed parent to present some names of different styles and see what clicks for their family.
Cons: While this does involve both parents, it can be incredibly unfair and exhausting. Being the person researching names day and night and coming to someone else and having them say “nope nope nope, ew, ugly, yuck.” can be offensive, depending on how they phrase their disgust, and doesn’t help anyone. And it’s in these situations in particular that the person who has very strong opinions on the names that their partner is sharing has no names of their own. While they effectively kill all of the naming leads, the vetoer doesn’t actually provide anything they would like to see in a name or a name that they would like the lister to consider instead. So, being stuck in this cycle likely won’t get anywhere, and will likely just generate conflict between the namers involved. And by the time the vetoer does find a name they like, the lister is scraping the bottom of the barrel of names they might mutually like and isn’t even all that crazy about the names they’re listing. At the end of the day, this dynamic can cause the goal of the lister to be having the vetoer say yes instead of finding a name they both like as well, which makes both irritated and the results inconclusive when the vetoer says, “Eh, Gilbert’s actually sort of nice.” and the lister responds with “You like it? Finally? Well, it’s sort of ok, I guess.”
Rating: 5/10. I do think it’s possible to find a name both parents are happy with using this technique. While it may not be the most efficient or effective way to discover the names you both like, it can eventually reach some conclusion.
Let’s both make a list, then trade them and see what we like!
Pros: This way, both parents get to share with each other and get a feel for style preferences and where you can potentially meet in the middle. By both getting the opportunity to decide on some names you like and then both getting to discuss the names on the other’s list, both people are equally included and feel as if they can reach a compromise. With the lists, both parents can renovate them every so often according to new names they’ve found or compromise names they’ve come up with and it lets parents have the option to be as involved or as distant from the process as they wish. The creation of lists also gives parents a visual of what the names look like on paper as opposed to simply verbal name-sharing.
Cons: Lists can be a way for parents to avoid actually having a discussion about names. By just slapping some names on the nightstand and waiting for someone else to cross them out, parents are putting off the potential conflict of a baby name discussion. Not only that, a talk about names can reveal a lot more about what the other parent likes about the names they’ve chosen on their list and the names they’ve circled on yours than just circling or crossing them out on a list. If your SO circles Nicholas, Coleson, and Colin, you may have no idea if he likes classics, modern classics, or modern surnames. But if you discuss the names beyond just circling or crossing out one on a list, you may discover that his best friend as a kid was called Cole, and he wants to honor him, or he wants his son to share his initials, NC/CN. Whatever the reason, discovering the why of someone’s likes and dislikes can be much more beneficial to the naming process than simply marking some paper.
Rating: 7/10. I definitely think this can be a great way to decide on a baby name! But only with a discussion of why you chose the names you did. Without knowing why a partner chose a certain name or why they didn’t like a single one of yours, this strategy isn’t worth much.
That’s all for today, but I hope you enjoyed this article, and will stick around for more!
Sincerely,
~Delphina Moon
Which of these techniques is your favorite? Why?
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